Advice to a Sister Who Prefers Marriage to Medical School
The Context
A sister had posted to our sub asking if she should delay marriage in order to pursue medical school. She was facing pressure from her family to do so and was made to feel less-than for wishing to prioritize marriage. This post contains my response.
The Response
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There’s a lot you’ve touched on, I hope you don’t mind if I go through it point by point. You first mention you have two choices: be a housewife or become a doctor. Let’s make a pros and cons list of both of these paths:
| DOCTOR | HOUSEWIFE |
|---|---|
| Pros | Pros |
| financial stability | complete half your deen |
| can support your family | opens all 8 gates of Jannah via husband |
| meet family expectations | can have children sooner, while you’re younger + longer fertility window |
| fulfill personal ambitions (?) | better tarbiyah for children |
| lower risk of complications during pregnancy and childbirth | |
| allows you to focus your energies on the home, per Qur’an and Sunnah | |
| no gender mixing involved | |
| can homeschool children | |
| a means of blessing (Allah increases provisions for the one who gets married) | |
| marrying young increases the pair bonding between couples, as they’re engaging in more "firsts" together with each other, which is a big marker of healthy bonding | |
| compliance with the fitrah of women, generally | |
| gain the pleasure of Allah | |
| Cons | Cons |
| very rigorous schedule (you will have no life) | might not be able to fulfill personal/family career amibtions |
| in school until your late 20’s, minimum | lower financial privilege, especially if husband’s job isn’t lucrative |
| schooling and work schedule delays marriage | family may be disappointed |
| may not find a suitable, religious husband | |
| may be harder to find a husband in the first place, since the search itself takes time, which may put you into your thirties | |
| forced to put off having children until later | |
| cannot homeschool children | |
| time will be split between work + family | |
| gender mixed environments throughout schooling and work | |
| increased gender mixing/closeness due to needing to do checkups on male patients during schooling + work (including administering physicals, which involving touching the private parts of non mahrem men) | |
| risk the displeasure of Allah | |
| MUST ENGAGE IN RIBA! This is a declaration of WAR against Allah |
Personally, the above makes it abundantly clear to me which is the more advantageous route for both your dunya and Akhirah. Let me know if I’ve missed anything that would change the weight of the above table.
All Muslim parents should want what’s best for their children’s worldly life but more importantly, their Hereafter. So if your pursuing a medical degree means taking on riba-based loans, gender mixing, and being absolutely worn down through the toxic medical school process, but in exchange you can make a lot of money and gain prestige—what is the point of that? When you die, will you be buried with that money? Will people remember you in their prayers a week after you’re in the ground? The prestige of the people will amount to nothing and neither will the money. What will be of benefit?
Narrated Abu Hurairah: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) as saying: When a man dies, his action discontinues from him except three things, namely, perpetual sadaqah (charity), or the knowledge by which benefit is acquired, or a pious child who prays for him.
Your Sisters
Separately, why are your siblings also pressuring you to do something they did not do themselves? It’s not on you to shoulder the burdens they have. If they wanted their parents to have a doctor in the family, they could have become one themselves. This is honestly really selfish, I hope they have reasons that we’re just not aware of, otherwise this is bordering on cruel.
Sunk Cost Fallacy
You’ve said a couple of times that your parents have invested a lot in your education in order to put you on track for medical school, but you haven’t even finished high school yet so how is that possible? Even if you go to a very good, even elite, private school, that puts you no closer to medical school, which is its own thing.
By sending you to complete your high school education, your parents haven’t "earned the right" to send you to medical school. That is to say, if you don’t go the medical route, the money spent to educate you so far is not wasted; you need a high school education regardless, and it’s their duty to provide that for you as it’s the minimum required among the people of the land we live in.
Father’s Footsteps
It’s great that your father is a doctor, but he is a man and the head of his household. He needs to think about how he’s going to provide for his family, so it’s good that he’s able to do that well, alhamdulillah.
But you are not a man.
Your income is neither here nor there, either as a wife or sister (in terms of needing to support your family), though you can certainly spend on your husband and children as a charity. Parents have a right upon all their children to be taken care of, so they’re a separate consideration.
Age
As someone in her 30’s who isn’t married, I sincerely wish I could be, but I understand that most of the pious men that I would consider, already locked that down when they were young in an effort to keep things halal. Good for them. I’m now outside of the range of what most men are looking for. And to be honest, even if young men are interested, they just feel a little too young for me, often. So that’s something that can happen, as well.
During the time of the Prophet (ﷺ) older, divorced, or widowed women didn’t have a problem marrying, but things are different in our times now. It’s unfortunate, and not from the Sunnah, but there’s not much we can do about the behavior of others.
For me, it was an issue of circumstance, but I don’t see that to be the case with you. You are also young—you don’t have to jump into marriage right away if you don’t feel ready, but bear in mind that the process itself can take a couple of years, if not more. So if you start looking and considering your options in the next year or so, even, it may not happen until your early 20’s. QadrAllah on this, though, it’s just what we see as a general trend.
Parental disappointment feels a lot heavier when you’re younger, trust me. Parents get over it.
Conclusion
Ultimately, I am personally of the opinion, based on the limited information you’ve shared here, that medical school is something you can pursue after marriage, if you so choose. You can also consider other routes that are adjacent and pay decently, like nursing (even going the admin route) and other than that.
Some religious men don’t mind if their wives work, so you can always be sure to mention it’s something you’d like to do eventually and let them come back with their dealbreakers on that. Men, like women, aren’t a monolith!
Your job will not get you into Jannah, as a woman. It is mostly a vanity project, unless there is some need for it. For reference, I was the main breadwinner for my family for years before being laid off in the pandemic. I understand. But for you, your father is already a doctor and doing well for himself, alhamdulillah. It doesn’t sound like you have the same need.
Anything that is good in what I’ve said is from Allah and any errors are mine alone, may Allah forgive me for them and correct me. Ameen. I hope you take my advice in stride and are not offended by anything I’ve said as that hasn’t been my intention.
Please feel free to PM me if you’d like to discuss anything further or ask personal questions about the medical field or otherwise (I have family in it and am pretty familiar with the process, as well as experience dealing with suffocating family expectations, lol).