Advice to One Struggling with Being Unmarried
The Context
A sister posted to our sub about struggling with desires and the private sins which often come with that when a person has a weakness in their imaan. She also stated that marriage was out of the question for her for now, without substantiating a "why."
My response below is a general advice for anyone who suffers from a similar condition.
The Advice
The permanent solution for your issue is, in fact, marriage, but below I’ve detailed some advices for you to follow in the meantime, in sha’ Allah.
Pray
Sister, how is your prayer? Do you pray every prayer at every appointed time? It is the single most important thing you can do as a Muslim.
‘Abdullah bin Buraidah narrated that his father said: "The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘The covenant that distinguishes between us and them is prayer; so whoever leaves it, he has committed Kufr.’"
In relation to your situation directly, we have an ayah from the Qur’an:
"Verily, Salah restrains (oneself) from shameful and unjust deeds…"
—Qur’an (al-‘Ankabut) 29:45
Fast
In addition to the prayer, fasting is recommended to reduce one’s urges:
Narrated ‘Abdullah: We were with the Prophet (ﷺ) while we were young and had no wealth. So Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."
If you don’t already, try to fast Mondays and Thursdays. Add the 3 white days of every month. If that’s still not enough, fast the fasting of Dawud (alayhisalaam), which is every other day.
Sublimate
Sublimate verb
/ˈsəbləˌmāt/
1. (in psychoanalytic theory) divert or modify (an instinctual impulse) into a culturally higher or socially more acceptable activity.ex: “libido must be sublimated into productive work activities”
—Oxford Languages
You should avoid anything that triggers urges for you. Get off social media and give up listening to music if you still engage in either (these are common things that lead to haram).
Things don’t happen in a vacuum, they happen as a result of what we think, see, say, and do. So you don’t start anything except you have a thought about it first or you see something that makes you incline towards an action, etc. In sha’ Allah, try to safeguard yourself by leaving off anything that inclines you towards even thinking about or preparing for sin. If that means being alone, for example, try to always be around friends or family. If showers are a fitnah, take cold showers and set your alarm for 5 minutes so you can get in and get out.
Fill your "spare" time with the consumption of beneficial content instead of haram things. Swap Netflix for good lectures (they don’t have to be super academic), leave off browsing Instagram for reciting Qur’an, even if it’s just 5 minutes. Increase in istighfar, especially when you catch yourself straying. The remembrance of Allah alone will help firm your resolve, bi’idhnillah.
Know Your Audience
Lastly, I urge you to remember your audience, and this is something I’ve heard the students of knowledge saying. You are doing something you would never do in front of your parents, but yet you are fine with Allah watching you. The noble scribes are forced to not only witness this act but also write it down in your scrolls. We should develop the appropriate shyness and haya of Allah, who has more right to it from us than our own parents.
May Allah make this easy for you. Ameen.