Marriage in the Time of Liberalism

Some time ago, we had a post asking what was stopping Muslim women from getting married. In the course of that thread, I was kindly asked to expound on some of what I stated regarding the differences in how marriage is perceived when one is younger vs. older and more mature. This post is the response to that request, inshallah.

I’d like to apologize upfront if the post rambles a bit too much. This is a topic which can be hard to describe, and harder to understand, without actually being older and looking back on the past in hindsight. For the young, it’s easy to take umbrage or have the knee-jerk reaction of, "yea, okay, but that’s not the case with me." Most of the time, it is, though. Even for those of us that were relatively mature at a younger age. That’s just life.

As always, I must state plainly and clearly that I am not a person of knowledge or someone fit to take knowledge from. What’s presented here is simply my own opinion; any religious rulings or opinions are cited but if you see something which isn’t, kindly inform me immediately so I can locate the source and add it or remove that point altogether.

The Fairytale Doesn’t Exist

One of the biggest issues with being raised in a non-Muslim country is the way the ideology seeps into you, even without trying. Even when you’re actively fighting against it. It gets to you, because it is the norm everywhere; you’re surrounded by it and you see what appears to be "success" from it all around you.

As far as the discussion on marriage, the biggest issue is the way it’s romanticized in the West. Well, these days it might even be more accurate to say that haram relationships are romanticized more than marriage, aouthubillah.

There is this idea that there is one, single, perfect soulmate out there just for you, and once you find him, you’ll have found marital bliss. They’ll complete you, your sentences, and your sandwiches.

The man will be attentive and emotionally intelligent enough to know when you’re upset. He’ll drop whatever he’s doing to coddle you until you open up to him about what’s bothering you, which he will resolve by knowing, intuitively, exactly the kind of approach you’re looking for at that exact moment. If he’s rich, he’ll shower you with expensive gifts and trips to exotic locations. If he’s poor, he’ll give you smaller gifts and make thoughtful gestures to show he was listening that time you casually mentioned in passing that you didn’t like violets and roses in the same bouquet. He’ll do 50% of the household chores, and take on your half whenever you’ve had a rough day without complaint. He’ll massage your shoulders and make dinner three days out of the week. He’ll celebrate when you’re promoted at work and won’t even care that you make more than he does now (but he’ll still provide for you and your needs, alhamdulillah). He’ll be a great father and take the kids out for fun and educational time at the park, museums, or play groups. He’ll love to do it, you won’t even have to ask. You’ll be number one in his life and no one, not even his parents, will ever interfere with your marriage or gain a hold over his heart stronger than yours. You’ve arrived.

In reality, this doesn’t exist.

That description may have been a bit funny, because it’s (very slightly) over the top. The sad reality is that many women suffer through these presuppositions even when they know they’re unrealistic. Apart from all the romcom-esque personality tropes, it’s important to understand that this man, this Ideal Husband^TM isn’t one single being out there who’s waiting for you. And he wasn’t born like that.

There’s no doubt that the Qadr of Allah (the Divine Decree) is written for each individual, but it’s not necessarily based on some romantic idea of you being "the perfect match" with some special and unique individual who complements you in every way.

Priorities: Then & Now

The poison of the fairytale directly leads to what we see of skewed, un-Islamic, and frankly embarrassing priorities among young Muslims looking to marry in the modern age.

In following the kuffar into the lizard hole, Muslimahs today require that potential suitors:

• understand their "love language"
• have a similar sense of humor
• like the same movies they do
• listen to the same music that they like
• get along with all their friends
• provide a lifestyle that matches their friends’ on social media
• will tRaVeL with them
• will do everything 50/50
• will have a compatible MBTI personality reading
• and on, and on, and on.

This truncated list is without even going into the nitty gritty of extravagant mahrs, lavish weddings that require riba-based loans, family drama (racism, tribalism, classism) and so on.

This is not the way of marriage in Islam.

If we look at how the people married during the time of the Prophet (ﷺ) we find that they looked for the essential characteristics:

• good religion
• good manners / character
• the ability to fulfill the needs of the contract (support a wife and family, even if just modestly, able to perform sexually, able to run a household and/or manage the realities of a given suitor’s situation)
• fulfill attraction minimums required by each party
• agree on a mahr

If the general conditions listed above were fulfilled, the marriage was done and life moved on. This is because the Sahaba (radhiAllahu anhum), the Salaf, and those who followed them in good were keenly aware of one critically important detail: the life of this world is temporary and the ultimate success is the Hereafter.

How many ayat¹ and ahadith² do we have speaking to the above? Yet we find that young Muslims today are extremely comfortable considering someone who "tries to pray most prayers," even considering them to be "religious" because they are looking at the benefits they stand to gain (of comfort, lifestyle, status, etc.) through the lens of this world, only. What a short-sighted bargain that is. Subhanallah.

The reality is that if you’re a good, pious Muslim who is striving to please Allah, most members of the opposite gender who are striving to do the same will be relatively compatible. That is to say, both of you are facing the same direction, striving for the same goal, which reduces a lot of the friction points. Of course nuances exist which are totally valid, including personalities, individual situations and circumstances, etc. but getting into the minutiae is neither beneficial nor realistic. I’m talking here on a general, overarching basis. The condition of the people as we see it today.

I also want to mention that it is important to acknowledge, accept and work within the understanding that the male is not like the female. Their needs, thought processes, thresholds and response patterns are not like ours. And while the modern woman is hell-bent on feminizing her male partner, good Muslim men are neither looking to be feminized nor seeking to marry women who strive to be men.

Students of Knowledge

Because of the nature of our sub, I think this note is important to bring on the topic: many practicing Muslim sisters also romanticize the idea of marrying a student of knowledge. Don’t do that, ladies.

This route is not for everybody and not enough of us understand what it really means to play second fiddle to ‘ilm. Yes, it’s a noble calling but it requires a lot from these men, which means they have less to give of themselves and worldliness to their wives. This means less time, perhaps less resources/money, less attention, etc. Not only does their seeking of knowledge make demands of them, but so too does the community at large. Lectures, khutbahs, questions—everyone thinks their problem needs to be solved yesterday. After all that, a man doesn’t want to come home and start teaching his wife, also. He has the same needs as other men; practicing women would do well to remember that and not put these individuals on pedestals.

Several students of knowledge have made mention of this issue on YouTube, as well, including Abu Ibraheem Hussnayn, Imran ibn Mansur (Dawahman), and other than them.

Not Your Other Half

In closing, and in returning to the matter at hand, I find that the older you get, the more you realize it’s not on a partner to make you whole. Your relationship with yourself and with Allah should be solid regardless of your spouse. They will not fill in all your deficiencies in deen and dunya, that is still on you. Those deficiencies will still be there even after you marry the best person for you. It’s on you to take the initiative and improve yourself (by the permission of Allah).

Too many times, younger people can be incredibly emotionally immature. They may even be too immature to be honest with themselves, how will they handle another person / family / life change? It’s actually a little alarming what you’ll read on some of the marriage forums online or hear among young people casually discussing the topic.

Much of this can be resolved through developing your relationship with your religion and working on self improvement / self actualization in the Islamic context—understanding more about your responsibilities towards a spouse than their rights towards yourself. It’s a shame that many of us put off this vital work until our later years.

The following was in response to a comment a user had posted to this article where it originally appeared, which they soon deleted. Most of the gist of it can be garnered from my response, which is fairly lengthy and contains many resources, so I’ve opted to share it here.

I agree and disagree with your comment.

Of Work & Romance

As for where we agree—it is that there is nothing wrong with a man being romantic with his wife. In fact, it’s encouraged in Islam and RasoolAllah (ﷺ) was this way with his wives. He used to drink from the place A’ishah (radhiAllah anha) drank from on the cup.³ After praying the Sunnah prayer of Fajr, he used to talk to her until the iqama was called for the fardh, if she happened to be awake.⁴ He used to hug and kiss her while he was fasting.⁵ He was no stranger to showing affection towards his wives, and he is our example, alhamdulillah.

That said: he (ﷺ) is our example. He did not split the chores 50/50 with his wives, though he used to help them if he had the time.⁶ His place was outside the home, fulfilling his mission and providing for his family, while his wives’ roles were in their homes.

This goes back to the issue with the fairytale: it’s based on Western perceptions of "justice" and there is no justice greater than the command of Allah.

"And verily, Allah is not unjust to His slaves."

—Qur’an (al-Anfal) 8:51

When you deviate from what Allah has ordained, you will necessarily oppress the people. We’re all familiar with that Einstein quote about asking a fish to climb a tree. It’s the same principle here because, as I mentioned in the original post, Allah, the One who Created us, also Informed us:

"And the male is not like the female"

—Qur’an (Ali ‘Imran) 3:36

This means that we need to understand a man must work, providing for his house is one of his core duties. A woman, on the other hand, may work, provided she already has a handle on her core duty of managing her house (which includes general chores within). Even Fatima (radhiAllah anha), the beloved daughter of RasoolAllah (ﷺ) complained about housework being difficult, but it was not advised to her to browbeat her husband into taking on more of it.⁷

Generally speaking women are more nurturing and tend to enjoy taking care of their home and their people. This means they are naturally and biologically well-suited to the role Allah ordained for them. So much so, in fact, that the modernists and feminists also acknowledged this in their works wherein they encourage the woman to work and leave the house:

“No woman should be authorized to stay at home and raise her children. Society should be totally different. Women should not have that choice, precisely because if there is such a choice, too many women will make that one.”

—Simone de Beauvoir, prominent feminist who laid the foundation for the modern feminist movement

Since we live in times that are trying their hardest to turn women into men and vice versa, these are uncomfortable truths that are swept under the rug.

Splitting Duties

Another point of agreement: if both spouses are working, and both are contributing to the household, then there should be some concessions with regards to the housework. This is because the woman is taking on some of the burden of providing from the man, so he should return the favor by lightening some of the work within the home for her. Still, the priority for the woman should be her house, if at all possible. If this is too difficult for her, she should not work and be patient with lesser means. If this is not agreeable to her, she can divorce her husband and marry someone who can afford her the lifestyle she’s seeking.

Islam isn’t oppressive, people just want to follow their desires, unfortunately, and when they run counter to the religion, it will necessarily create problems.

We see these problems in many of our parents’ generations and their marriages—cultural marriages, as you pointed out. This is because the men are failing in their duty to provide and expecting the woman to not only work, but contribute to the household expenses while also doing everything a stay-at-home wife and mother would do. This is oppression. May Allah help all our sisters who are suffering under the tyranny of unjust husbands. Ameen.

Now, to be clear, I’m not saying a man shouldn’t do 50% of the chores if both partners work. There’s nothing wrong with coming to mutual terms between yourselves. The issue I take is with the women being indoctrinated to expect this and believing that their working outside the home is vital, that their career is as important as the man’s working and that she is in the right to sacrifice her home for the sake of her job. This is western feminist brainwashing and women are not happy.

Money, Money

If a woman makes more than her husband and he’s offended by then he should take a second check on his huge ego which I will NOT be coddling

Here again is a statement which doesn’t understand the male psychology. Men desire to be providers in a way many women don’t fully understand. For most men (and certainly good, practicing, pious Muslim men who take their duties seriously), providing for their families fulfills a drive similar to the one for a woman of homemaking and raising her family. It is emasculating for the man and even Western studies show that men get stressed if their wives make more. Because they innately wish to be the primary breadwinners. Men like to spend on their women and women enjoy being spent on. Of course this is a very broad statement, but again, I’m speaking of general truths here.

Are You My Mommy?

Men and women also tend to parent differently, which is why being raised in a two-parent, traditional, married household is one of the greatest markers for future success. In Islam, men should spend time with their children, they should be loving towards them, and they should seek to raise them as upright and pious members of society.⁸

The issue here, again, is the perversion of something good. The way many modern youth want the men to socialize the children is the way the mother would do so, which isn’t necessarily what they need or what the father naturally wants.

Winding Down

I love how you cited this in your footnote: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ), said, “The world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the unbeliever.” —Sahih Muslim 2956. It’s extremely beautiful

By Allah, I think if we truly, truly, truly understood this, more than half our problems in this Dunya would be solved, subhanallah. What a temporary affair it is we chase!

Anything I have said which is correct is from Allah and any mistakes I made are from myself, and I pray Allah forgives me for them and corrects me. Ameen.

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