Toxic Desi Mothers-in-Law

Purely armchair psychology coming in, but, my working theory is:

Domestic abuse is rife in traditional desi families of our parents’ age. By this I mean not just physical violence (which is actually not the norm) but the abuse which takes place by essentially using a wife as a maid for not only her husband but his entire family. She is also often openly disrespected, especially within the confines of the house and family. As a result, many desi mothers put their everything into their children. If their sons are among the elder children, I think subconsciously, many desi mothers start hanging their hopes for a good life on these children.

This is problematic from many angles, including the fact that the sons will be given preferential treatment their wholes lives, thus become infantilized and needing to rely on those same mothers well into adulthood. This serves a dual purpose to the mother in ensuring she can use this good treatment as blackmail down the line as well as a kind of job security—"he can’t do anything by himself, so he will always need me!" These sons then grow up with a ton of guilt for not giving in to every single thing their mothers say because they feel a duty to her in everything. Thus, as an adult, that son is now in a position to provide the life the mother was denied in her youth: being taken care of, loved and valued. It’s quite sad. 🙁

When the son marries, however, the new wife presents an obstacle to his mother: someone who has the potential to "win" him away from her. The daughter-in-law can do everything she can (cooking, cleaning, taking care of her son) while also providing the additional benefits of a sexual relationship and children (by the permission of Allah). Thus many of these mothers feel their hard-won position within the hierarchy is threatened when the son marries.