Revealing Traumas & Mental Health Issues to Suitors

The Context

A sister posted to the our sub about some abuse she suffered in the past, which has lasting trauma and mental health concerns for her in the present. Was she obligated to tell any suitors about this? Should she keep it to herself?

Another component of her post was about revealing her abuser, who seemed to have turned a new leaf and changed their ways completely—did this fall under revealing sins? Did it fall under backbiting? Is that past something she should spread in the community?

The Advice

I’m going to give some advice based on my personal feelings that may run a bit counter to the grain here. Please bear with me and keep an open mind as you go through it.

You, First

If this issue is one which is plaguing you and affecting your daily life, you should certainly look into healing for your own wellness, first. I know you’ve said elsewhere that you’ve started the work but it’s been hard finding the proper resources.

I would highly recommend you seek out a Muslim professional, someone trained in the field of trauma recovery, to go to. This will make your search harder, I understand.

In the meantime, have you considered performing Ruqyah upon yourself diligently? This has no side effects except that you may come closer to Allah, the only One who can bring you tranquility and heal your heart. This is my immediate recommendation to you.

When To Tell Suitors

Contrary to what others have stated, I do believe this is something important that does need to be shared—especially as you’ve stated that it’s something that affects your day to day life. Marriage is a daily grind, something you choose everyday. How can the person you’re married to make an informed decision of what they’re getting into (and how can you decide the degree of support you expect to get) if you’ve hidden this away in the vetting stage?

That said, you don’t need to share explicit details, and certainly it doesn’t need to be with everybody upfront. You can start with something "mild," such as mentioning you’ve faced difficulties in the past that you’re still trying to work through today. Eventually, when you feel more sure of a suitor, you can give some more details if you feel it’s relevant. If the details aren’t, it may be better to simply focus on the degree and type of support you anticipate will be necessary.

So for example, you may talk about needing someone who’s patient with you, especially in the mornings since that time’s the toughest for you. Maybe you live in the West and you have PTSD which makes the fireworks that are let off on holidays hard for you to handle, so you can talk about that. Things like that.

Hiding Sins

You’re correct in your comment elsewhere: we should hide the sins of our Muslim brothers and sisters, just as we would like them to do for us.

It was narrated that Abu Hurairah (radhiAllah anh) said: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "Whoever removes a worldly hardship from a believer, Allah will remove one of the hardships of the Day of Resurrection from him. Whoever grants respite to (a debtor) who is in difficulty, Allah will grant him relief in this world and in the Hereafter. Whoever conceals (the fault of) a Muslim in this world, Allah will conceal him (his faults) in this world and in the Hereafter. Allah will help a person so long as he is helping his brother."

— Sahih Muslim 2699

That said, an exception is made for the one who is a victim looking to lodge a complaint against their aggressor. From my understanding of this (and I am not a person of knowledge), this is not the same as just telling anybody who your abuser is, but rather, speaking about them when you report them to officials and authority figures. If that’s something you’re looking to do, it may be permissible for you to reveal their name in order to extract justice.

On the flip side, if the harm from this individual is ongoing, present, and imminent even today, it may even be obligatory for you to speak out in order to remove the harm from others. The situation is complicated. I suggest you consult with a person of knowledge upon the haqq, as no one on Reddit is qualified to give you a fatwa on the matter.

Delaying Marriage

If you feel this problem is severe enough, it may be advisable for you to delay marriage until you have a better handle on the situation. I rarely give this advice, but we have to be careful to not use people as bandaids for emotional turmoil we need to resolve within ourselves.

I know it’s hard and grueling work, but most laypeople are not equipped to handle severe cases of mental anguish, but may feel compelled to act as a therapist if their spouse is in obvious distress (of course).

You know your situation best, so my advice is vague and general in keeping with the limited information we have from your OP.

May Allah grant you complete shifa, which leaves no trace of illness. And may He grant you a pious spouse in this life and the next. Ameen.